Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
mariah carrie
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.