DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
You Might Also Like
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”