The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
You Might Also Like
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Jupiter
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
this article brought to you by lions
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.