Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize