I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets