Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”