Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.