how much for the angry fruit?
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
😂😂😂
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?