I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
emergency phone
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.