“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
early stone age tool
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!