Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“You’d better run, egg!”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.