I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You Might Also Like
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*looks at you in batman voice*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Anime is real