Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows