“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
You Might Also Like
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
awkward
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.