My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
secret recipe
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?