Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch