I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
A friend helps you before you need it