My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.