GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.