The 6 types of sex
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”