me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
You Might Also Like
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.