My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
According to math, I’m broke
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t