Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week