It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Received some very disappointing news today
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”