” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE