brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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Buck naked
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV