Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?