Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
How all things should be taught/explained.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I love the honesty
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Life is a suicide mission.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY