I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail