A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.