[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene