*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
saw this in a dream
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now