My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.