SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
You Might Also Like
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
This kid will have a bright future.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.