Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.