Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Danger is very dangerous
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My first child will be named New Folder.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”