[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Confused owl: What?!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.