Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears