When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.