Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest