83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Google Pay be like:
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
greetings!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.