Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I have many caverns
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?