Girl, same.
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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]