“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.