[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.