Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background