The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.