“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m having an out of money experience.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.