Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Woke up against my better judgment again
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.