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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Ron is short for Aaronald
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.